[Grovenet] Accuracy in reporting

[David Morelli]

The Bible Story as reported in the news.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing  
but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God  
is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God  
said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and  
Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't  
been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were  
driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in  
though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was  
Abel.  Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for  
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but  
one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put  
his family and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to  
join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

  After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous  
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in  
exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a  
really loud sports coat.


Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton  
Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away  from the  
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These  
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.  God fed  
the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.  These include don't lie,  
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.  Oh, yeah, I  
just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to  
use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell  
over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a  
slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and  
500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound  
very wise to me.


After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of  
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed  
upon the shore.  There  were also some minor league prophets, but I  
guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New  Testament.  Jesus is the star  
of the New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I  
had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,  
'Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,  
'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the  
Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The  
worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a  
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to  
some Germans on the Mount.  But the Republicans and all those guys  
put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up  
for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He  
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His  
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.	


(This was not really from the news,  but it does suggest why  
reporters sometimes don't get the right content in their stories.   
They don't understand what is happening the same way as the person  
explaining the story.  This was passed to me without attribution, but  
it appears to be a collection of children's misstatements from Sunday  
School classes.  There are a variety of copies on the net.)

David